I Need Not Be

I was there every day, hour, minute, and second. I recall the way I observed myself in the mirror, as the tears amplified. I strived to conceal the emotions even from myself because I no longer wanted to acknowledge them. I would have instances that seemed tolerable. Though, I could find myself slowly slipping back into dullness with no control. I was vanishing back into the person I knew I need not be. I couldn't stop it, no matter how hard I tried, so I stopped trying. All I could do was watch and wish the feeling would go away. Though, it stayed, I could hear a dark laugh in the back of my head. It stayed longer than I ever thought it would. I was not sure how to counter it, or if I ever could. I remember attempting to feel something, anything, but I had already shut it off, my compassion. It was almost impossible to turn back on once it had crooked itself off. I would never sense myself turn it off, but I knew when it was I could sense it after it set in. The concern and kindness just seemed to fade away into something that was just coldness. I couldn’t stop it; it was just there.